| THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM The Need for Self Care By John D.V. Hoyles, B.A., LL.B From LPAC's Swimming with Sharks, Dancing with Dolphins...Creating Balance in your Professional Life (Part 5) - presented at the CBA National in London, Ontario on August 14, 2002. At the Annual Meeting in Halifax in 2000, I stood up here with 120 pounds of potatoes. I spoke at the time about the need for all of us to look after ourselves. I pointed out that one of the things that can happen when you work in a highly stressed environment, is weight gain. I talked about losing 120 pounds and I talked about the fact that when one loses a great deal of weight, even the sex is better! I am back here in London because while I was proud at the time, it turned out I didn't have all the psychic tools needed to make that weight loss last. Between September of 2000 and February, 2002, I managed to put back on 70 of those 120 pounds. By the fall of 2001, I was angry, frustrated, confused and all out of answers. I'd lost a lot of weight and then put back on a lot of weight. I hadn't found a way to give myself more time for me and my family, nor had I found a way to stay with a regime of exercise and good eating. In the end, I concluded that it was easy to lose weight and do it on your own, however, if I wanted to stick with positive change something more was needed. If the change was going to be permanent, a different approach had to be taken. Through a conversation with my family doctor I concluded that what I needed was professional advice! For lawyers, giving professional advice is easy, seeking it is not! I finally agreed with my family doctor that it might be useful to work with a psychologist. I was reluctant because my view about seeing a psychologist was that this must mean I have some kind of mental problems! (An old fashioned view no doubt.) However, I knew that I had to do something! I believed that when I was highly stressed I would eat excessively. On this narrow basis, I accepted that going to talk to a psychologist about stress eating was no big deal. When I arrived at my first meeting with the psychologist, I merely stated to her that I was there to discuss stress eating and what tools she could give me to avoid this problem. In a half hour, the psychologist suggested that stress eating may be only a symptom of a bigger challenge and in the end I had to agree that she was right. Together we identified that for most of my life, I had an overwhelming desire to provide for others, make things easier for others and support others with little regard for my own needs. I will not bore you with all the background reasons for that approach to life, suffice it to say that it probably started when I was in high school and was not part of the in-crowd. I thought I could be part of the in-crowd if I was the best organizer of every high school dance, every curling bonspiel or winter carnival. I did get to the fringe of the in-crowd but only because of my organizing abilities. What this approach to life does, is leave no room for self care. You go into self care denial. It requires that a person work very hard and be very much in control as much as is possible. A light went on for me when I realized in a conversation with the psychologist, that eating was my way of throwing control to the wind. So at 10:00 at night after a highly stressful day, I saw no reason why I shouldn't have two big peanut butter sandwiches, because I could do what I wanted when it came to eating. It was a revelation to me, but it showed to me that when I have those kinds of feelings, I have to find other solutions to deal with those feelings other than stuffing my face. I haven't found all the answers yet and I must say that I have fallen off the wagon so to speak, sometimes still eating inappropriately when I feel highly stressed. However, I have lost more than the 70 pounds that I had put back on which is really the easy part, the harder part is to figure out how to provide myself with self care. The harder part is to do a thorough and complete job at work, but to give time for me and my family. The hardest part is to take time for self care! It really is all about self care. In other words, each one of us must take the time to look after ourselves. Whether it is excessive eating, excessive working, excessive drinking, the only way we're going to be able to overcome these types of challenges is self care. The trick is to figure out how to provide oneself that self care. The more I think about it, the more I conclude that professional advice has to be the way to go. I really enjoy the 50 minute sessions I have with the psychologist. It has become, in effect, an oasis. So how do you get to that professional advice? The road map to such advice is not easy but it is clear. Here it is. A Road Map to Self Care 1. Acknowledge that you can't solve lack of self care yourself. 2. Decide and accept that you do not need to be and should not be super-person (no weaknesses, no need for any help from anybody). 3. Accept that obtaining advice from a professional is a good thing. 4. Use people you trust to choose and arrange professional advice. 5. Make arrangements for that advice and build a wall around that time, (that cannot be touched by anybody or anything). 6. Give it time (there are no instant solutions). 7. Enjoy working with the professional and especially enjoy the self care time you are taking in seeking advice. 8. Commit to yourself that self care is your number one priority! You, your family, your friends and your job will all benefit. Reprinted by permission of John D.V. Hoyles, B.A., LL.B. Executive Director and Chief Operating Officer The Canadian Bar Association
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