Meeting Etiquette and Vocabulary

Nobody likes to break an unknown rule of conduct. While there are very few "musts" in 12-step meetings, the following information may help you to understand how meetings operate. Meeting times. Depending on your location and the type of meeting, the length will be approximately one to one and one-half hours. You will be accepted for any part you can attend, and you will benefit more if you are there for the entire meeting, as well as for conversation before and after the meeting.

Introductions. In some meetings, everyone introduces themselves, and in others only those actually speaking introduce themselves. First name only is part of the anonymity (even if we recognize each other). You will hear people follow their name with "and I am an [alcoholic, compulsive gambler, etc.]." Those who are not ready to say that out loud may simply use their names or say "I'm not sure," or even "... and I have a problem with [alcohol, gambling, etc.]." Recovery date. In some parts of the country, people will also give the date on which their recovery began, such as "I am [name], and I am an alcoholic, and I have been sober since [date]." Others choose to say "and I was [sober, clean, abstinent] today." Still others choose not to mention it. This is strictly personal preference.

No cross talk . Each person shares without interruption unless the chairperson stops them for talking too long or inappropriately (abusive comments, language beyond colorful). Any feedback is saved for after the meeting. If you have a lot of advice for other people, you may not be focusing on your own issues.

Conference-approved literature . The written material generally used in a meeting has been published or sanctioned by the relevant international service center. This material is referred to as "conference approved." The limitation of material used during meetings avoids controversy.

Sponsor . A person who shares his or her experience, strength, and hope with you as you learn your way around recovery. Sponsors often help provide structure and guidance during the early fog of recovery, and offer advice on how to have healthier relationships. Sponsors are not parents, hotels, bankers, or bailbonders. Sponsors cannot give you what they do not have for themselves, so if you find a sponsor who is a lot of fun, but who has not worked the steps, you will get more fun than recovery.

Thirteenth step. The so-called thirteenth step refers to newcomers being "hit on" by people who have not yet learned how to have a relationship other than the proverbial "one-night stand." Healthy groups frown on this type of fraternization, and you can find folks in the group who can assist you in avoiding unwanted advances. While this type of activity does not happen often, many people who are vulnerable in this area choose to go to same-gender groups to avoid it. The thirteenth step is also the reason same-gender sponsors are suggested, as newcomers often confuse their healthy dependency on a sponsor with "love."

Mary L. Greiner, J.D., LMSW-ACP, practices psychotherapy and spiritually based divorce mediation at the Pastoral Counseling and Education Center in Dallas, Texas. She made a career transition after almost 20 years of law practice, primarily as in-house counsel to technology corporations. She can be reached via e-mail at mgreiner@flash.net.