THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM

A Lawyer's Journey Through Peaks and Valleys

by John Starzynski

Jack was torn and confused. Business was great and he was making a lot of money – at least he thought he was. He had been “flying”, doing a ton of work, getting through many files (pushing himself beyond even his limits), doing lots of volunteer work and being a social butterfly. But things were beginning to happen that he could not understand. He became fatigued more easily and some days felt that he was beat from doing anything at all. On other days, he was too tired to do anything. He had managed to function for many years on little sleep, but even that was hard to achieve now. His appetite had gone from little to no desire for food. He spent his days drinking coffee. He was beginning to avoid other people and more and more made excuses not to attend meetings to be alone. A sense of sadness pervaded his feelings.

He began to beat himself up mentally in little ways that had become more pervasive – he thought that he was unattractive; he had a sense that, despite his financial success, he had failed many times in his life in the past and was probably now a complete failure; nothing seemed to satisfy him and he did not know what he wanted anymore. Jack wanted something else but he could not give this life up, the only one he knew; he felt worthless,; and he realized that, on some days, he disgusted and even hated himself.

As these feelings developed over a period of time, Jack began to have more trouble making decisions. He second-guessed himself constantly although he knew he was competent. Bottling up these awful emotions made him feel desperate but he had no one to safely talk to about his turmoil.

One day, things went very badly and all these emotions and physical strains seemed to gather to crush him at once. He thought about suicide but he really knew that this was not the answer, especially for his family who would live their lives asking “why? Jack, what could we have done?”

He collected himself and called his doctor for help. Once he was in capable professional hands, he called OLAP for support. A lawyer in recovery for depression met with Jack. He took Jack to Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step program based on the Alcoholics Anonymous program. He finally had what he needed – a step-by-step approach to daily living and learning to live with unresolved problems. Jack found that he had to work at his mental health in conjunction with his physical well being. He managed to get through the rough time and now tries to live one day at a time. Every day is still a challenge but he has a program to help him keep perspective and give him hope and understanding.

If you need help or want to know more about the Ontario Lawyers' Assistance Program, please call.

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