THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM

I Lived To Eat-A Lawyer’s Story

I am a compulsive over-eater. Some people would call me a food addict. My earliest memories all involve food. I remember Halloween when I was five years old searching for those little individually-wrapped chocolates that my father had hidden around the house. One day, I caught my finger in the door and I had to go for x-rays. Afterwards, my dad and I went to A & W for hamburgers. They were so good!

Food has always been incredibly appealing to me and I have used it like a drug when I have felt happy, sad, bored, anxious, tired, angry or lonely. I have used food so that I don’t have to feel. It has been my drug of choice. I have always loved to eat but I never had a weight problem until my twenties when I left home. I had always been able to control my overeating with dieting and compulsive exercise. My twenties then consisted of binges, diets and attempts to exercise. It was at that time that one doctor said that I was a little bit chubby.

During university, I managed to diet and exercise myself down to 99 pounds. I was so happy to weigh less than 100 pounds. I felt so in control. My eating career really took off after the birth of my third child. I had gained a lot of weight with my first two pregnancies. Each one was, for me, a license to eat. But, then, wasn’t I eating for two? I was able to slim down after my first two children because I went back to work and had to fit into my work clothes. But, after my third child was born, I decided to quit my part time job practicing law and be a stay-at-home mom. I was never very good at balance and moderation. It had to be all or nothing.

I don’t remember the next five years very well--probably because I was in a food fog. During those years my weight continued to escalate. I gained and lost more weight than I care to remember. But, I will never forget my top weight of 174.5 pounds. That’s a lot of weight for a five foot woman. I lived in clothes my husband called “drapes”. I felt awful about myself. One day, my husband and the kids all stood around me, snorting while I ate something fattening. He thought that they were helping. They were not. It just made things hurt more and I just ate more. At the time, I said nothing about the teasing. I guess that I felt that, fat pig that I was, I deserved it.

I tried some crazy diets. I went on one where all I could eat all day was vegetables, then the next day, bananas and milk and so on. I lost ten pounds in a week but, of course, over the next few weeks, gained it all back. I hit food bottom the day my doctor told me that my cholesterol level was rising and that, if I could not control it with weight loss, I would have to go on medication. The next day, I cut almost all fat from my diet, exercised compulsively and lost 65 pounds in six months. Wow, I felt good. I was in control again.

Unfortunately, things started to get stressful. I turned to food again. I was powerless over food and I was really scared. I had worked so hard to drop all that weight. SO, I picked up the phone and called Overeaters Anonymous. I realized that I could not handle the battle with food all alone any more.

Since I have joined OA, I have learned that I have a “cunning and baffling disease” but that I do not have to suffer alone. There are lots of other people out there just like me. OA has taught me to put down the food and pick up the tools of the program. I attend meetings regularly. I follow the 12 steps of the program. I have a sponsor and I have a food plan that works for me. I am not on a diet.

I have not eaten compulsively in almost 18 months and I am maintaining a healthy weight of around 115 pounds. I have a new life now. I no longer live to eat. Now, I eat to live.

If you have seen bits of yourself in this story or recognize someone close to you, please call the Ontario Lawyers' Assistance Program (OLAP). OLAP peer volunteers can share their experiences and offer help and support for addictions, eating disorders, mental health matters.

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