THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM

What Should I Do?

By John Starzynski

I had more of “those” thoughts again today. I had hoped that they were under control but they popped up spontaneously when the pressure became too great with clients and deadlines. I do not know what to do about them. I know that if I talk to my colleagues or other associates that I will be considered weak and useless. If I tell my principal, he will probably think me unreliable and not firm material. So, I will continue to hide this awful nagging doubt, the feat that others will find out that I am really a fraud and incompetent. I will do what I can to deal with the fears, somehow. But, what?

I have noticed that - when I get down and feel that there is no use going on – I use alcohol to deaden my feelings. After a few good belts, I do not feel well but, at least, I do not feel the pain as acutely as before. I've even started to use other substances to cut the edge. A friend has offered to get me some stuff that will totally take my mind off things. I'm considering it. But, I do not know what I should do.

For the last few months, sleeping has been a terrible experience. I am exhausted but, when I put my head down, my mind races and I cannot slow it down. What little sleep I get is couched in nightmarish situations where my problems magnify themselves hundredfold and I have no escapes. Sometimes, I die in my dreams and, for brief periods, perhaps seconds, I feel a release. But, I awake and my nightmares come back more viciously than before. Every day, a little more of me dies and I do not know what to do.

Can someone help me? Please!

OLAP does not “fix or cure” problems. Other lawyers who have “been there” provide time and an understanding ear to let you know that you are not alone and that there is confidential help available.

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