| THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM Speech to The Thomas Moore Society, Good evening. In keeping with the theme and spirit of the day being the opening of the courts and the celebration of St. Thomas More, I have prepared a case study for consideration. Case Brief Style of Cause: Mr. Stanislaus v Life How lawyers can strike a balance between the heavy demands of professional practice and other areas of life, most especially family life. Life is defined as a sexually-transmitted condition that results in death. So we will talk about the hyphen between the numbers indicating the dates of birth and death. Procedural History : Extreme case of imbalance Material Facts : The facts are straightforward but they are intertwined with the complexity of living and the day to day routine of time. These events did not happen all at once. Through subtle changes and the progression of time, there was progress, regress, periods of calm and periods of deterioration Mr. S was approaching 40 years old. He was married with two children – ages 13 and 11. He practiced in an urban area with his practice focus on matrimonial litigation along with corollary areas of law – real estate, wills, criminal and some simple corporate work. He acted as solicitor for a seniors’ centre and special counsel for the Children’s Aid Society. He was also involved in his local community as Chairman (before political correctness) of a Children’s Mental Health Centre and the Boys Club. At church, he was a regular attendee and Chair of Annual Fundraising Project. He also played baseball (or some form of it – lob ball) every Sunday afternoon. His life was busy but fulfilling. But underlying the exterior picture, there were problems masked by his seeming business and personal accomplishments. He dealt with :
His doctor could find nothing wrong physically. Emotionally, he experienced :
Spiritually in the sense of knowing oneself, but not religion, he was disconnected and spiritually bereft. Everything became a burden. He felt that he was dying a little more each day. He had thoughts of quitting law, driving a truck or working in a factory, having no phone and no responsibilities. As a result, he simply wore out. He did not sleep for four days, his stomach was upset so he did not eat, had lost a lot of weight. He collapsed in his doctor’s office. The next few years were a blur of hospitals, sleep, drugs, fear, loss of identity, suicidal ideation and hopelessness. His first hospitalization was on a surgical floor in a private room with restricted visitors rather than on a psychiatric floor where he would have received help. His doctors wanted to “save his reputation” and get him back into the courtroom as quickly as possible. This was a terrifying thought as he was so tired and he had absolutely no resources left After his first hospitalization, he struggled with his personal identity to be a husband and father but to not be not a “lawyer” any more. His self esteem had been capsulised into that word “lawyer” and now, as he could not perform the functions of a lawyer, he was “left” with his other roles as if he had never had them before. He did not know them very well. At the same time as this was happening, he had two lawsuits for negligence to hit him with more body blows to his professional pride. He experienced a deep loss of his professional standing and his reputation. His financial challenges resulted in bankruptcy. He wanted to die and made one botched attempt to do so. To get well, on the advice of his psychiatrist, he and his family moved to new city but the old adage – “wherever you go, there you are” was true. He had a slow descent into despair. He had lost his identity, his practice, his home, his pride and now his familiar surroundings. His next hospitalization was not voluntary. There was another suicide attempt but not a good one. He had been a better lawyer than killer. He was put on a locked ward where he had to earn privileges to leave for basic things like meals. Normally, patients would go to this facility for 30 days. He was a slow learner and spent four months face to face with his life. The first lesson he and the facility he learned was that sending someone who is blind angry to anger management class does not work. For the facility, it is very hard on the furniture. For the patient, it is hard on acceptance of why and how he got there. Mr. S did the course three times. By fortune, fate and predestination, he met a teacher, mentor, guide, savior who would change his life – Dr. B. As he had, unknown to him, four months to work on putting his life back together, their time was intense. The work was slow but productive. Their first conversation was a start with basics. It went like this : - How are you? (Mr. S. felt that he could nail this one – after all, he was successful, smart, able to handle everyone else’s life, etc.) - FINE - But, how do you feel inside? - FINE - How are your body and mind right now? - FINE (as an aside, if you ask a lawyer how they are doing, he/she will always say fine) - In this office, when you say “FINE!”, it means (and please excuse the therapeutic language which can sometimes be coarse, crude and blunt), FINE stands for – Fucked up Inside with a Nice Exterior. Or more politely, Feeling Insecure Nice Exterior. So, if you tell me that you are fine, I will tell you that I hope that you are feeling better tomorrow!” Dr. B wanted to learn more about this “FINE” gentleman. He asked him to bring his (dis)appointment book in. Every page was full of notes, telephone numbers and appointments that started at 7:00 a.m. and went until late at night, every night. The conversation continued : - “Who is the most important person in your life? - My wife - Wrong - Who is the most important person in your life? - My children - Wrong - Who is the most important person in your life? - My parents (with a little less confidence now) - Wrong - Who is the most important person in your life? - Revenue Canada? (and it was very foremost and prominent in Mr. S’ financial life at that moment) - Wrong -Dr. B explained - YOU are the most important person in your life. Unless you take care of yourself self physically, emotionally & spiritually, you are no good to anyone else - Huh? - The oxygen mask on airplane comes out of a ceiling compartment when the cabin pressure falls. You are instructed to put it on yourself first before you help a child traveling with you. If you do not, you may not be able to help the child or yourself. -Your priorities as you told them to me are not in your book – no family, no children, no parents although I see a note every Monday morning - $500 to RevCan. - There is no “you” time but there are lots of other people and organizations with one-hour time slots out of your life” Dr. B then decided to look at Mr. S’ feelings and beliefs. These were Mr. S’ Summary of Beliefs -
They moved on to feelings and Dr. B. learned that Mr. S believed : - PERFECTIONISM – everything had be done “right” and only Mr. S could do that - RESISTANCE – Mr. S. had his mentor and a friend comment on how he was struggling and he told them to leave him alone. He also learned that if you speak loudly and swear at people, they will go away (when the thing you need most is to be hugged and helped) - DENIAL – I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be FINE – (which it was) - COMPARISONS – everyone else had a better life. - FALSE EXPECTATIONS – he expected to do work for his clients and get paid -ISOLATION – he did not want anyone to touch him physically or emotionally so, while he used to have a open door policy, the door was normally closed now - PROCRASTINATION – things were tougher to do and concentration was poor so he was always behind - VICTIM MENTALITY – Why me? - PROFANITY – as frustrations built, the use of curses became more common and the ability to use intelligent language diminished -SADNESS – those country songs were pumping - IMPATIENCE & URGENCY – Everything had to be done NOW! - SHAME – Everyone would make fun of him if they knew how hard things were - THE PAST – he carried anger and resentments from things that had happened years ago. He could or would not let them go -PANIC – he had more and more occasions when his heart would pound, he could not catch his breath and it felt like his head would explode and his chest burst open - ANGER – he was upset at most people in his life because they did not understand - RESENTMENTS – he was bitter as to how things were going for a guy who worked hard, cared about his clients and was doing the best he could -BURNOUT – he just could not keep going - FEARS – he was afraid of losing everything - PAIN – his life was one big hurt with no idea of how to fix it Dr. B set about working with Mr. S to outline strategies for balance - personally and professionally. Decision in the Case: BALANCE FOR ANYONE, EVEN LAWYERS, IS POSSIBLE Reasons: Dr. B assisted Mr. S. to work out how to take care of himself physically, emotionally & spiritually Physically:
Emotionally: Have a close friend of confidant that you can share your hopes, dreams, triumphs and tragedies with. Dr. B asked Mr. S. : - “ Do you have any good friends” - Lots of good friends. - How many can you talk to? - Lots! -How many do you share your hopes and dreams and disappointments with? - None - Any idea of who you might trust to do this with? - My wife and kids? - Mr. S now has a weekly date with his wife - He asked his kids if he could have a “relationship” with them - His older son meets him for lunch once a week His younger son asked why he should make an effort. His dad had never been there for him. He was gone before they got up and came home after they had gone to bed. He might sometimes see them on weekends They came to a compromise on an area they both loved – baseball. They drove back and forth to games and did not even have to look at each other to talk. At games, they could watch the play and not look at each other. Eventually, they did look at each other and gradually started talking about more than superficial things. They are good friends now. Do something for yourself every day – read a book, meditate, visualize. Check your resiliency quotient – your energy level, your ability to bounce back from good and bad stressful things that happen. When your bounce gets low, do an internal check to find out what is going on and address the issue before it gets worse Time manage – What are the most important things that must be done today? Use the Franklin-Covey approach of writing down your priorities for the day Learn to say “NO!” and to delegate Restrict your battles to only those that count. Eugene Meehan’s comment at the CBA National in Montreal at the workshop on Ethics most appropriate – Never wrestle with a pig - you will get dirty and the pig likes it! Mr. S reviewed his attitude from one of his fraternity mottos – Live with honor, not glory. Live your life and do what you do without the expectation of recognition because, if you live your life relying on other people’s acceptance and opinions, there can never be enough recognition. Professionally work for the name on the file. Personally work for the name on your business card for your own wellbeing within appropriate boundaries. The two most common words in the world that can be heard in a cab in Cairo, a hack in Hanoi to a jitney in Johannesburg – sorry for the lousy alliteration but all over the world, these words are used by everyone (and not the two you think!) “NO PROBLEM !” If you use these words or interact with people who use them, remember that this is the least concise and most unenforceable form of undertaking you can give or get. They also are conversation enders with no specifics of obligations or expectations established For yourself, instead of NO PROBLEM, for example, tell your spouse that you will pick up the cleaning today. It focuses you on your promise and eases tension and frustration For someone using it with you, ask for a commitment as to what is expected and time lines – When will my cleaning be ready for pick? What will be the cost? Laugh a lot. There are a multitude of bad jokes I can tell here. Spiritually:
Ratio: ANYONE CAN HAVE BALANCE IN THEIR PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE WITH AWARENESS, SELF-LOVE AND HELP Obiter Dicta (or what was not said but is just as important) 1. Nothing has been changed to protect any person in this case study 2. If you are wondering how Mr. S is doing, I am Great! BACK TO MAIN STARZYNSKI ARTICLES PAGE CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A PRINTABLE VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE (MS WORD)
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