THE ONTARIO LAWYERS’ ASSISTANCE PROGRAM

Setting Boundaries

I volunteer with the Ontario Lawyers'  Assistance Program which assists lawyers, judges and law students with issues of stress, burnout, addictions and mental wellness challenges. As a volunteer, I speak to callers giving them a friendly, non-judgmental ear and lots of listening. As volunteers, we do not advocate or counsel. We are merely peer support. The parameters of our “job” is clearly set out but we must make sure our callers know what the limits are.

A little while ago, I had a problem. I was working with a caller who had some very difficult and pressing issues. This caller asked to speak to me after normal hours and I made the mistake of saying yes rationalizing that I was important to the caller and that I could help make a difference. Then the caller asked me to help intervene with a rent dispute. I set the boundary and said no, however, I felt guilty that I was letting the caller down and that the caller would not be able to handle the issue without my help. At the same time, I was angry that the caller had even asked me to help because it was so obviously beyond the limits. However, maybe the caller did not know the limits and, perhaps, I had not been clear enough. The internal conversation in my head went on like this for days.

Then, the final straw came. The caller asked for money. I calmly explained the limits on no money being lent, either from the organization or personally. The caller got angry and hung up not to be heard from to this day. Again, the internal dialogue goes on with feelings of guilt, anger, shame, remorse, relief, disappointment, hurt and disrespect.

So, what was I to do in that situation and what must I do in the future to set boundaries for myself? Here are some tips –

1.      When you need to set a boundary, do it clearly with few words and without anger;

2.      Know that your boundaries will be tested and be firm in your limits;

3.      Be clear on what each of you want and need from a relationship;

4.      Nurture yourself with integrity and awareness so that you know when a relationship has become abusive or invasive;

5.      Be objective about others’ behavior, distance yourself professionally from their problems and don’t get caught up in the drama;

6.      Maintain a bottom line of how many times you will allow someone to lie to you, disappoint you or betray you;

7.      Trust yourself and your own judgment. If you are not sure whether you are handling a situation correctly, ask for help from a peer or a supervisor.

As well as those emotional boundaries, try these other tips to care for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Physically:

• Sleep eight hours of sleep a night;
• Eat three meals a day according to the Canada Food Guide;
• Avoid sweets and processed sugars;
• Exercise for at least 45 minutes three times per week;
• Cut down or cut out alcohol, smoking and coffee;
• Drink lots of water to deal with stress;
• When you find yourself so tense that you are breathing short, shallow breaths, take a deep breath in through your nose, count to three and exhale through your mouth. Repeat three times;
• Buy a dog. It will give you exercise and someone will always be happy to see you;
• Laugh a lot – it lowers your blood pressure.

Emotionally:

• Have a close friend to share your good times and bad with, someone to give you perspective, someone who will listen with love and compassion;
• Read a book or meditate daily. Visualize happiness;
• Manage your time carefully so that all you need to do to take care of yourself is done first;
• Only get into battles that are necessary (none are necessary). Remember to never argue with a pig – you will get dirty and the pig likes it!;
• Laugh a lot

Spiritually:

• Do something you love with a passion to feed your soul – painting, golfing, mud wrestling, reading;
• Know your core values and live by them every day. Do up a personal Mission Statement and put it up on a wall where everyone you know can see it. Carry it with you as reinforcement of your ideals;
• Catch the stinking thinking when you catastrophise, fortune tell, use “should” statements;
• Ask for help when you need it;
• Take a vacation without phones, files, laptops or work.

As volunteers with MDAO either as telephone support or with groups, it is important to achieve maximum benefit by setting out the boundaries at the beginning.  For example, a telephone volunteer should not have a checklist run down of do’s and don’ts before the conversation even begins but when a boundary must be set, set it firmly and immediately. In group work, the group will set the rules and it is up to us, as volunteers, to enforce the rules in a fair and immediate manner.My own experiences as a telephone and peer support volunteer have shown me how rewarding this work is.  Setting boundaries is difficult but you have the right to your own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs; you deserve respect; and you have the right to be imperfect and, therefore, human.

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